Chains of Choices

This piece is very special to me. I believe this is my post powerful work. It is surely my longest so far (although I do have a longer one in progress). I was definitely  very in tune with the emotion of this poem. It took about about 3 - 4 hours over the span of three days to write it. I really felt this way my spirit crying out. I was the character in this poem. As I said in a previous post, I began writing poetry in 2009. I wrote several poems that year until it seemed I got a bad case of writers block. I couldn't write anything that I felt was worthwhile. I was struggling with God and His place in my life. Finally, in 2011, when it seemed I was scraping the bottom, He allowed me to channel my emotions into the form of a poem that defined the battle I was fighting. Part 2 of this poem came later the next year. I had found the answers in myself to questions at the end but all my readers requested that I write a conclusion. So I added part 2, a very short, brief ending to the battle. I hope that when you read this the words can help you experience the struggle that I was feeling when I wrote this poem and the victory that part two brings. I hope it speaks to you.

Chains of Choices

february 2011/fall 2012

I hear the sound of chains scraping across the ground

I  stop startled, trembling, as I look around

When I moved to rise, it was then that I saw

The chains that scraped had me linked to a wall

Groping in the darkness, I hear a small voice

It whispers to me, saying, “Child, make me your choice”

I strain to hear it but the sound is distant

Sitting in the darkness, my heart becomes resistant

I struggled to stand but the shackles hindered me

The coldness of doubt began to surround me

My mind brings up pictures; excuses not reasons

It preys on the fact that I live not what I believe in

“You’re just a sinner,a hypocrite, a fake”

I give ear to it’s words, making my first mistake

It tells me I can’t make it; the price is too high

That strive as I might I’m still gonna die

In the midst of the tirade, the small voice called softly

“Draw nigh unto me and I will make you free”

But the voice in my head grows loud and begins to shout

“Don’t listen to Him, I’m the only way out.”

I struggle to choose the right direction

I begin to feel that I am losing connection

Things around me seem to blur together

I shout, “God! I can’t stay this way forever!”

He calls to me soothingly, calming my spirit

But the voice in my head just won’t let me hear it

So my heart remains hardened to the possibility

That if I remain patient I can truly be free

Free from me and my carnal thoughts

And all I must do is fall on the rock

The cloud of doubt is thicker now; I can barely see

I feel many choices upon my life that threaten to destroy me

Turning again to my lusts and desires

I dig my way deeper in this world and its mire

Trudging farther and farther in what seems like fun

I am aware of the chain that’s bound me since I begun

Now I stand at a crossroads, two choices before me lay

To stay on the good path or from righteousness stray

The pressure of decision forces me to my knees

I cry out into the darkness but no one hears my pleas

I ask for guidance, directions, a small, minute signal

Can no one here help me not even a little?

My clothes become drenched from the tears that I cry

“God, I don’t understand. I really don’t know why.”

The voices in my head are raging; it’s an all-out war

My faith is suffering casualties; I feel them in my core

I feel the strength drain from me; for so many days I've fought

Struggling to free myself from this web in which I’m caught

My voice grows hoarse from crying; my tears have all run dry

From my position of desperation my eyes search the sky

But the doubt has settled in so thick, I might has well be blind

Reaching out into the darkness, I hear that familiar grind

Of the chain that drags across the floor, the chain that binds my mind

Before me hangs two keys, both unlock my chains

One will only relieve me of my external aches and pains

From the choices and decisions that always haunt my life

The other frees me from all bitterness and strife

It deals with my inmost thoughts, my heart and my mind

Freeing me from this voice which in my head does grind

The war is getting bloody now, good will surely lose

For sin is hacking it’s way through these things that I call truths

Few truths remain as I strain to draw in each breath

I consider surrendering with what strength that I have left

I grasp both keys tightly in my hand; I try to make my choice

Listening to the war inside; the persistence in each voice

I can’t stay at the crossroads long, I must go one way or the other

I know that if I stay here that I will surely suffer

Standing I grasp the keys, feel the weight of them in my hand

The power that surges through me is almost more than I can stand

In my hand I hold the source of decisions good and bad

Of freedom and bondage, of heartache and happiness,and of  glad and sad

For one key holds nothing but good or so they say

Good is at the end but misery is along the way

The other key is worn and rusted

Many a soul they say it’s corrupted

For though it unlocks these external chains

It never frees you from the internal pain

Time is running out for me, each breath harder than the last

Why do I have the feeling that I’m running from my past

Closing my eyes I grasp a key and the battle seems to stall

Both sides pause to watch, waiting for my final call

Rising to make my choice, I close my eyes and pray.....

Which key do you think I chose? Which path? Which side? Which way?

Now the battle is over and looking back I can see

I made a mountain of a molehill; turned a twig into a tree

I let doubt cloud my vision; fill my heart and my mind

I gave ear to my weakness and no peace could I find

But now I’m standing on the mountain

I feel the coolness of the air

The peace of God flows like a fountain

There’s joy and happiness everywhere

I left those chains in the valley

Because after choosing the right key

Those earthly chains couldn't bind me

you see I have been made free

I laid  aside those weights and sins

And I'm striving with determination

To be a part of God’s people

His bride, His church, a holy nation